Loneliness in marriage is a phenomenon that has been prevalent but not spoken enough about. Loneliness in the relationship might stem from factors such as lack of emotional expression from the partner and feeling the emotional disconnect in the relationship to having a partner who prioritizes work more than the relationship. Loneliness gets exaggerated when one has a partner suffering from addiction such as alcohol, weed or having a partner who suffers from psychological disturbances such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or depression.

Seema, a corporate lawyer, married at 28 years and felt she had a great connect with her then boyfriend Tejas, a 30-year-old chef whom she had been dating for five years. She reported they had great chemistry and loved travelling and exploring adventures such as diving. Seema reported that as the marriage had progressed into its sixth year, she felt emotionally disconnected from Tejas.

She claimed that Tejas was too preoccupied with building his own career and their work timings did not match as she left the house early for her job while Tejas returned late at nights from his restaurant. She claimed that the relationship had ‘no chemistry and fire left’. Seema questioned whether there was love left in their marriage. She felt lonely in the evening when she returned from work and tried occupying herself by doing secluded activities such as gym and catching up with her girlfriends. In therapy she spoke about Teja’s lack of expression of love and any positive emotion towards her. Their sex life had diminished as their timings did not match. Even after communicating her feelings with Tejas, she felt nothing had changed between the two of them and she had started resenting him.

In therapy, she reported feeling dismissed and abandoned by her partner. She also expressed her fear that either of them would have an affair if things persisted. In therapy she explored her own attachment styles as well as her partners. She acknowledged that while she had an anxious attachment style, Tejas was more avoidant. The loneliness created self-doubt and she felt she was not good enough for Tejas. In couples counseling, Tejas and Seema identified certain obstacles of their professional life and outlined some ways of spending more time and communicating during the day. </p

They consciously highlighted some activities over the weekends that would help them connect with friends and family and feel a sense of belongingness. Although Tejas had been defensive in the first session, he chose to work on the marriage such that he would prioritize Seema. Along with the therapist, Tejas worked on his love language and its emotional expression. Seema worked on her unrealistic expectations and started working on her own insecurities and clinginess with the therapist.

As humans are living longer, I see a lot of couples celebrating their 25 th and 50 th anniversaries. Most of these couples however come into therapy reporting anxiety and depressive symptoms. Although they might be satisfied financially and are physically fit, they still report a sense of disconnection. They lack a sense of emotional intimacy in their relationship, one that they might have desired in a life-time.

One such case of Abhay, 62 years who had recently been treated from a cardiac disease claimed that he was feeling lost and lonely. In therapy he spoke about his wife who had consistently doubted him. Abhay claimed that they were two different personalities and although it was a love marriage his wife Ekta had changed over time. Ekta and Abhay had been fighting over years on issues regarding parenting, lifestyle and time. Although Abhay had given up his social life to fulfil the emotional needs of the family, according to him Ekta never felt emotionally satisfied. They both have different interests, where he liked to enjoy live music shows and movies and she liked intimate gatherings with only a few friends. He suggested most evenings he sat at home reading his book or scrolling on his mobile while Ekta was in the other room.

In therapy, Abhay pointed out that the only way he coped with loneliness was being occupied by increasing his work. Abhay had been for counseling earlier in Mumbai; he reported that Ekta was not open to the idea. After Abhay’s cardiac illness Ekta had been suggested couple counseling by the cardiologist. In couples therapy Ekta appeared to be aggressive while Abhay was more passive. Through personality tests, the therapist identified differences in personality styles, Ekta being more introverted and Abhay being more extroverted. Abhay claimed he avoided conflicts and Ekta felt Abhay never addressed conflicts. Abhay did not want to separate/ divorce as he felt it was unfair to the kids.

With the therapist Abhay restored the courage to be assertive about his feeling to Ekta and Ekta worked on her aggressive patterns and learned to validate Abhay’s feelings and express her own assertively. The therapist identified the rigid patterns in the relationship and eventually both partners chose to be flexible. Abhay walked out with the hope that Ekta would be able to negotiate with his desires while he helped her regulate her emotions in times of conflict. In therapy, they learned conflict resolution strategies and Abhay felt a sense of relief.

Marriages are about bonding, communication and companionship. In romantic relationships individuals desire a sense of bonding and security. However, unmet needs, unresolved conflicts, emotional or physical infidelity, having different emotional and social needs, different attachment styles and loss of shared activities can lead to sense of intense loneliness. In order to build on the union, one needs to develop the friendship, consciously build on the intimacy by sharing common interest and communicate one’s fears and desires. More importantly, appreciating and showing gratitude towards your partner and reassuring them in times of conflict reduces the sense of loneliness. Through reflection and active listening, one reduces their own defenses and chooses to accept the relationship unconditionally. After all a bad relationship will make you feel more than when you are single.

Book Recommendations:

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – John Gottman & Nan Silver
• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love – Dr. Sue Johnson
• Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence – Esther Perel
• The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts – Gary Chapman
• Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship – Stan Tatkin