Life is aspirational, full of desires and dreams that one seeks to achieve. As a child one is always asked what would you like to become as an adult? From this young fundamental age starts the explorative journey of finding your passion, interest, learning the skill and outlining the path that someday identifies who you are. Unlike the past, where parents forced their children to become doctors and engineers today most children have the autonomy to choose their vision of life. Although the expectations from others do not define one’s careers anymore, as a therapist in Mumbai, I see many children stressed and fatigued in making their mark in this world. The impulsive desire to achieve at a young age and be validated for one’s achievements has led to increased levels of anxiety and depression among the youth.

One such case of a 26-year-old boy, Kartik who excelled in his studies and continued to do so through his Master’s program experienced symptoms of sweaty palms, blankness in the mind and disruptions in his sleep cycle. Kartik had always been validated by his friends, family, teachers and members of community as being the smart kid. Everyone who knew him praised him for his hardworking nature and his capacity to grasp concepts and initiate intellectual conversations. However, as Kartik acquired his first job at a reputed investing company, he felt extreme pressure to be liked by his seniors. In a couple of months, Kartik started feeling lack of confidence and doubted his ability and skills.

As he received critical feedback from his seniors, he felt inadequate despite all his knowledge. His desire to excel had now been translated into an intense need to seek the validation of others around him. More than focusing on his learning he was caught up in the cycle of highlighting his work outcomes. He wanted to feel superior. Even when others didn’t explicitly judge him, Kartik kept judging himself while he made mistakes in his journey. As the panic attacks increased Kartik approached a therapist as advised by his friends. 

Through his sessions, Kartik identified that he had set may unrealistic and irrational expectations for himself. His self-identity was defined by what others perceived him to be. He realized that he could not handle fear of failure and negative judgments and criticisms of his seniors. As the therapeutic sessions continued, Kartik reflected that he had never faced rejection in the past and did not have tools to handle the same. In therapy, Kartik learnt to challenge his core beliefs of perfectionism and learn self-compassion techniques. Despite the societal pressures Kartik then accepted himself unconditionally and with all his weaknesses.

He now realized that his perfectionism and seeking approval of others was his weakness. Along with the therapist he started identifying realistic and achievable goals and acknowledged all the progress that he made since he had started work. He was better at negotiating and accepting ‘No’ from his peers, he did not react to situations where his decisions were not validated. Kartik changed his perspective restructuring his goals to learning and growing at work from just seeking awards and incentives. Cognitive-behavioral techniques along with mindful breathing techniques helped him realize that it was healthy enough for him to have desires and dreams. However, every time he demanded to excel, he would fall into the trap of anxiety. This would further aggravate his symptoms and reduce his overall performance.

After 8 counseling sessions Kartik discontinued therapy with a fresh perspective on life. While he reduced the demands on himself, he built the patience to accept imperfections and disappointments. He knew now that he had to look beyond the imperfections and had the courage to fail. He discovered that he was confident with his new found ‘identity’ to embrace the uncertainty of the future. He now embraced the phrase that “success consists of going from failure to failure without the loss of enthusiasm”. The key to achieve the same was a flexible mindset. Eventually he believed in the words of Winston Churchill: “it is the attitude that makes a big difference”.

Therapy is a ray of hope that helps one accept their limitations and provides tools to redefine the self-identity. By working around the disruptive patterns, therapeutic tools help an individual gain perspective about the ecosystem in which he/she thrive. Overcoming lack of confidence and believing in thyself are some major goals of a healthy therapeutic alliance.

Book Recommendations:

1. “The Gifts of Imperfection” – Brené Brown
2. “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” – Carol S. Dweck
3. “The Pursuit of Perfect” – Tal Ben-Shahar
4. “Radical Acceptance” – Tara Brach
5. “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” – Kristin Neff