Monogamous marriages are built on the foundation of trust and life time-commitment. Dhirag, 38 years old was married to Tina 37 years. It was a love marriage, one where they had met each other and vowed to be together in front of 500 relatives who had attended their lavish wedding. Dhirag, a real estate agent travelled a lot with work. His work involved meeting new clients who wanted to build their homes and commercial spaces. Through his work he met other agents and spent long hours with them during exhibitions and on off-site locations. Gradually with time he felt disconnected from his wife and claimed that they lacked intimacy in the marriage. Dhirag reported having cheated on his partner and he did not sound apologetic. His justification was that he had a dry spell in his marriage and his wife was either too shy/ scared of sexual intimacy or she was asexual. Dhirag had spoken to his wife about their concerns however he claimed she ignored the conversation and continued as if things were all normal between them.

Having two choices of either staying with the marriage or seeking divorce was not an option for Dhirag as he belonged to traditional family. Disconnecting from the marriage would lead to disappointment for his parents, in-laws and Tina. He cared for Tina and believed in her. He was a compassionate husband and adhered to all other commitments of the relationship. Through the eight years of marriage he pleasured himself using pornography. An act of curiosity and excitement that he had explored during his teens had now become a way out to cope with the lack of sexual satisfaction in the marriage. Since the numerous attempts to talk to Tina had failed he used porn as a coping mechanism. It had now become a way of life and he felt he was addicted to pornography. Dhirag coped with frustrations of life, emotional pain and loneliness by shutting himself in a quiet room and watching stimulating videos across the web. Dhirag gathered the courage to acknowledge that the porn addiction had an effect on his social life. He often choose his solitude and laptop over bonding with friends and family. Although, Tina noticed the disconnection in their marriage she was afraid of addressing it. Dhirag voiced that she shared an emotional bond with Tina, where he was morally, socially, emotionally and financially responsible for her. He could not envision his life without Tina as they communicated their fears about life, future, business. They both acknowledged that despite their families putting immense pressure on them for kids they did not want to start a family. An absence of communication, lack of guilt and passive -aggressive behaviour were highlighting features of their disruptive bond.

Relationship expert, John Gottman has described this unhealthy pattern as the four horsemen of Apocalypse during a conflict.

1.Criticism: is a style of communicating where the partner felt attacked. Example: When Dhirag spoke:“Tina why would you care? You are selfish and only consumed with work and your social life”.

2.Contempt: a style of communicating where the partner is disrespected and ridiculed. Example: When Dhirag blamed his partner, “Tina how can you talk about lack of empathy? Handle your own truth before accusing me?

3.Defensiveness: a response to the criticism and negative style of communication. Example: Dhirag claims; “Tina I am too busy with my work. I cannot take time off for a holiday”.

4. Stonewalling: is a style of communicating where one withdraws any communication from the partner. Example: Dhirag claimed; “Tina you keep ranting about the spending time, let’s talk when I am home and I’m calmer.

In therapy, Dhirag expressed his frustration and anger. Even though Dhirag craved intimacy he was not attracted to Tina. The act of comparing Tina to unrealistic images that were depicted on the pornography website made him feel that his sexual experience with his partner was inadequate. He felt stuck in vicious cycle where he felt he needed love, attention, pleasure and sense of belongingness. However, he watched pornography for longer hours and felt lonely. The therapist helped him understand his disruptive communication strategy. Regardless of what decisions he made regarding the future of his marital relationship, it was evident to him that he was losing himself. Together Dhirag navigated the journey of retraining his mindset in a positive way where he could collaborate and re-start conversations with Tina. He took responsibility for his anger outburst and worked on re-directing his frustration in healthier ways such as exercising. Shifting his lens, he started appreciating what he could restore in his relationship with Tina. Therapy is not always about finding solutions and making decisions with regards to a problem. Therapy is seeking a perspective and weighing the pros and cons. Therapy is empowering an individual to choose the best possible outcome for himself. Therapy is about growing within yourself and healing from the past resentments. Therapy is about seeking meaning in life and relationships. During his time in therapy Dhirag, established a routine of being more functional and satisfied with himself despite the obstacles in his relationship.

Gottman, John Mordechai (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. Nan Silver (1st ed.). New York: Crown Publishers.