October 26, 2024
September 3, 2024
Khushboo, a 13 year old girl, was petrified of going to school. She felt she had lost all her friends and the other students did not hang out with her during breaks. Khushboo was not able to sleep, she had become clingy and avoided all social activities. She often teared up when her parents corrected her behavior and repeatedly expressed that she wanted to be left alone. Although she had no physical or social interaction with her batch mates, she watched them bond on social media platforms such as Instagram and snapchat. Khushboo felt an intense feeling of rejection and she had started demeaning herself. She felt she lacked skills, personality and the coolness that her other friends had. A minor disagreement between friends had led her to be alone. One day while she was scrolling on Instagram, Khushboo saw a story on a batchmate’s Instagram profile. The story was a poll on her stating “Cool or Uncool @khush”. She was devastated as other students were all replying to the poll. Khushboo realized that others would now be biased and she started to lose her confidence even more. Next day she refused to go to school until her parents intervened and the school authorities took action. Many such incidents of bullying or cancelled culture are being reported post the COVID pandemic.
Cancelled culture represents insensitivity and lack of empathy from students. Teenagers often fall into the trap of seeking validation from their peers. Most teenagers have a tendency to conform to group norms and behavior even if it doesn’t align with their values. The ‘bystander effect’ has been stated where some children stand by and observe another child being bullied or being labelled. Teenagers may find it difficult to empathize as they may fear being ostracized. This intense segregation of one child from the rest of their peers can have devastating mental health consequences. Khushboo faced the consequences of being singled out or rather cancelled out by her buddies. She was unable to express, communicate or be part of a group task as she felt her opinions did not hold any value. Pre-teen and Teenage are a stage of identity formation in children. The famous developmental psychologist, Jean Piaget described this stage as the ‘Formal Operational Stage’. At this stage an individual develops the capacity to think abstractly and reason with real life problems. It is at this stage that the child questions morality, social norms and has the capacity of deductive logical reasoning. Children formally start developing the ability to ponder on the “what-if” type questions and seek possible solutions to problems.
An impairment or trauma during this stage impacted Khushboo where she got consumed by her emotional reasoning abilities. Khushboo also had the ability to think about the thoughts of others, an ability only gifted to humans-known as metacognition. Khushboo was unable to stop thinking negatively about herself and of how negatively other students perceived her. Her academic grades dropped and her teachers also sensed that she was not coping well. Khushboo was asked to seek counseling to cope with social concerns. Khushboo had a secure family and had other family friends who she could bond with. Despite her parent’s reassurance Khushboo was unable to go through the difficult situation of being rejected.
In therapy, Khushboo took time to speak about the incidents of school life. She claimed that she missed the good times and close friendships. She stated that her best friend Sam had disconnected with her. Sam was part of the popular group and Sam was finding it difficult to stand up for Khushboo. She craved for that one friend- the one confidant that she could talk to and share her feelings with. In therapy, Khushboo took time in accepting and processing what had happened in school. She realized that at times she could have been demanding and expecting too much from others. She acknowledged that people had the right to make their choices and that friendships change over time. One significant learning from her experience was letting go of the anger she felt towards others. Through this process, Khushboo felt more comfortable resuming school activities. Therapy helped her accept herself and build on her own identity. She had made a commitment to not be entirely emotionally dependent on her peers for validation. As the therapist worked with Khushboo, she was more equipped to draw boundaries and felt self-sufficient. She learned the skill of viewing situations objectively rather than personalizing and blaming herself. Khushboo accepted that she could not control what others thought about her and she started detaching and investing in uplifting herself. She was able to regulate her emotions in conflict situations. Overtime, Khushboo focused more on building her own profile by engaging in debates, competitions and extra-curricular activities. In line with the sociologist Brené Brown “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance “. Directing herself in defining her own identity was Khushboo’s greatest learning from therapy.
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The names used in the blog are fictional and do not bare resemblance to any person. They are used for the purpose of explanation and education of psychological themes.
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Allow me to nurture, while you walk the path.