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Allowing yourself a Closure

October 26, 2024

While one looks and aspires for long-lasting romantic relationships, we know that many relationships do end with a break-up, divorce or death. In all the above situations there is a sense of loss. Dealing with grief can be difficult. While processing the disappointment of the break up one tends to question themselves. Many clients in therapy are overwhelmed with guilt and often find it difficult to move on from a break-up and infidelity. Their thoughts range from “I could have done more to save the relationship”, “we should have handled things differently”, “maybe I am not good enough for him/her”, “I do not wish to abandon him/her” or “I don’t deserve a caring partner like him/her”, “how can I end it, I have shared everything”. These thought patterns highlight the underlining issues of self-doubt, self-esteem and low confidence that over shadows the client who is contemplating a break-up.

After break-ups many clients isolate themselves to the extent that they disconnect from friends and family which could eventually lead to depression if left unaddressed. Ending a relationship is perceived as a personal failure and the brain does not want to let go and give up. This pattern has been observed in professional set-ups, where despite the knowledge that the project is failing one tends to hold on and revive what can be restored.

Healing from a break-up requires one to process hurt and failure associated with the loss. This stage of processing requires acknowledgement and expression of feelings. This is either done by talking to a friend or therapist in counseling or simply even through a written expression by journaling. Individuals need to be cautious of either blaming the self or the other. Blaming oneself would be associated with feelings of guilt and blaming the other would be associated with feelings of anger.

32-year-old Ranjana, a software engineer could not come to terms with the fact that her husband had cheated on her. She continued to work on her marriage stating that things would get better although they never spoke about the infidelity. Every time she brought out the issue her husband brushed the topic away. He still kept passwords on his phone and life went on as though nothing had happened. Ranjana did not feel she could stand up and ask for a separation as she blamed herself for his infidelity. She thought she had been too caught up with her job, the house and kids and she had ignored her husband. Although that might have been the sequence of events, Ranjana’s husband did not show any change in behavior towards the marriage. She continued feeling unloved and had mixed feelings of anger and guilt.

She felt immense pressure to make the marriage work, especially since her mom advised her to let go of the infidelity and forgive him. Ranjana’s husband denied seeking any external help of a therapist or addressing the issues in marital therapy. Choosing to walk away from the marriage was perceived as a personal failure for her and she kept over-compensating to ensure that the infidelity did not repeat.

Although, Ranjana had left their home and had come to stay with her parents, she felt she could not give the marriage a closure. As a young modern woman Ranjana knew that her husband had probably stopped loving her. Through therapy, Ranjana voiced that they both had met online on a matrimonial site during COVID and they got married in a rush. Ranjana complained of feeling restlessness, had sleepless nights and she pondered if her husband could possibly still be in touch with other women. She was stuck in a cycle of self-blame and guilt of not being a good wife.

At work Ranjana was strong, confident and a leader. However, in emotional relationships she always wanted someone who she could depend on unconditionally. Author, Akshay Dubey wrote “Healing doesn’t mean that the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls your life”.

Letting go of a relationship entails going through grief, pain and loss. Grief therapist, David Kessler identified the stages of grief ranging from denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. As Kessler states not everyone goes through the stages of grief in a particular order. Individuals fluctuate in the above-mentioned stages while they process their loss.

In the recent years the sixth stage of grief has been added- the stage of giving meaning. This stage allows the individual to give herself a closure by accepting the loss. Ranjana over six months had moved from denial to anger and depression. For
Ranjana getting away from this relationship meant that she had to deal with the fear of not being able to re-connect to anyone again. It was not that she did not believe that she could fall in love again but  the process of re-investing was daunting. As Ranjana chose to move on by being in the marriage she knew she had lost a part of herself.

In order to achieve closure, one needs to allow for the following steps:

  1. Critical versus Compassion: move away from being self-critical about your short-comings and give yourself self-compassion (kindness) during closure.
  2. Comparison versus Connection: move away from comparing yourself with another individual to connecting to people that might help you process and heal towards closure.
  3. Contemplate versus Cleanse: move away from contemplating and feeling stuck by highlighting the pros and cons of the relationship, assess your emotional capacity and choose to heal yourself.

By permitting compassion towards herself and connecting to others, Ranjana chose the path of healing from her relationship. Although it took her a year to process the different emotions. Drish, 28 years felt that giving a relationship a CLOSURE was human. He forgave himself after he realized that his girlfriend of six years had fallen out of love and had cheated on him with a colleague from work. Initially he kept holding on to the relationship falsely believing that his girlfriend may come back to the relationship eventually. He would make justifications that she was just infatuated or
misread her behaviour as signals of love. He would analyze his own behaviour to see where he went wrong, until he finally faced the reality. As he processed his feelings of loneliness and abandonment, he decided he needed to give himself another chance. Affirmations such as “I would like to be loved”, “I have the right to move on”, “I want to be caring towards myself” helped him achieve this closure.

Closure is an essential stage to achieve in relationships where there has been a deeper sense of attachment and belongingness. This may hold true for relationships with your parent, a friend, a partner or your children. Closure is crucial so that the wounds of yesterday do not spill over to today or disrupt future relationships. Closure is vital as it permits an individual to heal and repair from the painful feelings of hurt, betrayal and loss. Allowing this closure is a conscious ‘selfish’ decision to move to self-preservation. Permitting closure is a strength and requires a lot of courage in yourself. It redefines the personality and the mindset of an individual as he/she moves towards growth and  healing. In the words of Dalai Lama- “Remember sometimes not getting what you want is a stroke of luck”.

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Courageously Connect.

Allow me to nurture, while you walk the path.