With the transitions observed in society, one noticed a shift in marital relationships. The so-called ‘suppressed woman’ now felt she had a voice and right to pursue her desires and dreams. Couples became more open to deal with the stigma of divorce and took the bold step to stand up for the life they had desired for themselves. With the modernisation of society and extensive use of technology and social media applications individuals compare to the ‘filtered life’ of others and feel deprived of their needs. The number of divorce rates have risen and the stigma slowly seems to fade away. What has not changed in this process is the emotional pain, hurt, anger and grief of ending a committed relationship. Individuals feel a sense of loss, grief and guilt when they end a monogamous relationship.
So when is the right time to separate? Is there a strategy that can be followed when children are involved? Is there a way to resolve conflicts in a marital relationship and still seek an amicable divorce? Is it ok to walk out of the marriage if the partner simply has fallen out of love? Should I forgive my husband after an affair and still be in the relationship? Individuals seeking marital counselling are anxious and are overwhelmed with self-doubt in navigating through the above issues. There is no rule book designed for an ‘ideal divorce’. Divorces can be mentally consuming as they involve making numerous life decisions. At times the mere act of physically separating from your partner can be overwhelming. Separation entails being a disappointment to yourself, the children, inlaws, parents and the society in general. Navigating this journey of separation can be confusing and conflicting.
For example, Jia had concerns on how her 10 year old son will accept her separating out of their home. She started therapy to understand and process her feelings of anger, shame and guilt. Jia took responsibility for her decision of separating out of the marriage. However, she felt people judged her for making this decision. While she had decided to quit the marriage, her husband had still not accepted that the relationship could not be mended. Jia voiced her concerns of starting fresh, living by herself and being a ‘selfish human’ for making this decision. She felt judged by her relatives and abandoned by some of the common friends that she used to be attached to. It dawned upon her that people blamed her for standing up for her autonomy and choice. Jia reported she was unable to sleep, her appetite had reduced, she was irritable and snappy. During this process she had to be functional at work and retain her job profile and role as she needed to financially sustain her lifestyle. She perceived therapy as a safe space where she did not have to face the judgment and blame for choosing to disconnect from an unhealthy relationship.
While addressing her guilt, Jia also acknowledged that she had expected not only her partner but other family members to be supportive. Since the situation had not turned out exactly as she had anticipated she felt frustrated and stuck. Gradually, Jia learnt to reach out compassionately to her husband to voice her thoughts and feelings. While presenting her point of view she allowed her spouse to vent out his feelings and they agreed to disagree.
In a healthy way, the couple now reached a uniform consensus to co-parent and help the child through this difficult stage. They both chose to leave their past grievances aside and reconnected as friends. In a matter of months, Jia was at a stage where she had accepted her new life of being separated from her child, walking into an empty house and managing her daily schedule of work. Jia and her partner now had set rules for co-parenting, boundaries for revealing the details of their partnership and break-up. They chose to respect each other’s privacy and firmly decided not to probe the child on the details about each other’s life. As Jia settled in and accepted her new life she realised that her son needed a lot of reassurance. Jihaan had become introverted and had a few behavioural tantrums where he did not adhere to his previous schedules and sleep timings.
While both partners were coping with their own individual issues, a joint therapy session helped them navigate the issues of co-parenting. They decided that in the best interest of Jihaan’s mental health the parents would bifurcate their roles and responsibilities. It is often seen that children could get manipulative when they perceive conflict in the environment. Both parents had to establish new rules and style of parenting that would help Jihaan handle his insecurity and fears. Communication, Collaboration and Compassion (3-Cs) were seen as the three essential tools of processing and healing through the divorce process. In the process of teaching their son, Jia and her ex-husband both had learned to respect their differences while celebrating their togetherness.
With time and counselling, Jihaan was more accepting of his parents being separated. He focused on his academic and social goals. Jia continued her therapy sessions to cope with her own guilt, frustration and loneliness. The divorce process lasted for a year and Jia had dealt with the self-blame and anger that she had felt towards others. Jia realised that through divorce counselling she had worked on her feelings of seeking validation from others. While she dealt with her own feeling of abandonment, she no longer felt like the victim and took charge of redefining and establishing her new identity. Although Jia felt lonely through the divorce process, she rekindled old friendships and established new ones with like-minded individuals. Marilyn Monroe stated, “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together”. With this hope and optimism, Jia continued seeking growth and enrichment in moving away from the shared identity of ‘US’ to building her own independent identity through her career and relationships.
Book Recommendations:
- Divorce is normal by Shasvathi Siva
- The divorce recovery workbook by Mark S RYE
- Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum
- Conscious Uncoupling by Katherine Woodward
- The Co-Parenting Handbook: Raising Well-Adjusted and Resilient Kids from Little Ones to Young Adults through Divorce or Separation by Karen Bonnell
- Two Homes, One Childhood: A Parenting Plan to Last a Lifetime by Robert E. Emery
